My Stay at Vivamayr Altaussee: Day 2
So this is where the fun starts. And by fun I mean, well, swilling special mouth oil around one’s palate, and drinking a bottle of Glauber salts to, quote, “cleanse the bowels”. Joy. I manage to negotiate the mouth oil part but cannot stomach the salts, despite knowing they’re a critical component of the cure. I promise myself that I will try again tomorrow, marvel at the amount of admin I’ve done before 8 a.m., and head down to breakfast — a veritable banquet of sheep’s yoghurt and soya bread, accompanied by the digestive bitters and magnesium citrate capsules prescribed to us all.
At 9 a.m. I have a personal medical counselling session with Birgit Rejas, Vivamayr’s resident psychologist. Although I declined to have my colon irrigated (I mean, does anyone ever enjoy that? By all means, shout up if you do…), I knew that I at least had to have my emotions irrigated, after an awful week that dealt two huge blows to both my personal and professional lives. While there’s nothing especially medical about the hour I spend with Ms Rejas, it really does help to speak out loud about the events of the last ten or so days, especially in this unfamiliar setting where everyone is none the wiser. We end up talking more about my relationship setback than my career setback, despite the latter being more fresh in my mind. The former is infinitely harder to talk about, however, so I am grateful for her input.
At 10 a.m. sharp I take my base powder — another joyous aspect of the Vivamayr experience — and head out on a walk around the lake, soundtracked by the latest City and Colour album. I’m about half way through said album when I almost fall on my ass and decide to turn around, both due to the fear of falling on my ass for real and the fact that it is freezing. I snap some pictures of the mountains and the lake and promptly upload them to my Instagram, despite telling myself I wouldn’t touch my phone for the duration of my stay. I guess it’s easier said than done when you’re alone and already feeling profoundly unmoored.
Lunch consists of manchego cheese and rice crackers, and is genuinely quite tasty. (The manchego here is the stuff of dreams.) Once it has all hopefully been digested, I am reunited with Dr Brauer for my daily abdominal treatment, another mandatory part of the Vivamayr process, intended to improve digestion. It is only mildly uncomfortable. After the abdominal treatment, Dr Brauer congratulates me on having the lowest vitamin D levels that she has seen during her time here, and duly prescribes a high-dose vitamin D supplement. I joke that I should move to California, however it probably isn’t a bad idea.
After all this, Dr Brauer begins the applied kinesiology/myodiagnostic testing, which is one of the weirdest yet most revelatory things I have ever experienced. I’m not sure how to explain it, so I will refer to the literature I was given by the doctor: “[in Applied Kinesiology] the physician examines different muscles according to precisely defined, manual medical criteria, the most important being the uncontrollable reaction of the muscle to certain test stimuli.” In simpler terms, this means that the doctor tests the strength of different muscle groups, which supposedly correspond to certain organs, in order to determine a patient’s intolerances, or the presence of harmful substances, etc. (If this all sounds a bit mad, don’t worry, it probably is. But I’m desperate.)
Dr Brauer tests the strength of several different muscle groups of mine and, although most of them are passably strong, my lower leg muscles seem to be very weak. She spends an extended amount of time manipulating this area, so much so that I actually start to get a bit fed up, eventually determining that there is something slightly wrong with my small intestine. How this conclusion is arrived at I am not entirely sure, but it explains the myriad digestive issues I’ve been having for a long time now, and so I take the prescribed medication and go, hopeful not to have to repeat the Applied Kinesiology experience any time soon!
Dinner comes around again and, surprise surprise, it's another round of clear broth. Out of necessity, I devour it all and then, sated but uninspired, I fall asleep early. Apparently this whole cure thing is exhausting…
This piece was originally published on Part Time Beauty in 2020.